The Jokes Thread

[CricketPlayer]

Here is the main place for you to tell your jokes!
My jokes:

Q:Why did'nt the man who drank poison die?
Ans:Because he was in the living room!!!

Blonde Joke number 1:
Horrific Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Blonde Joke Number 2:
51 Days!
A group of blondes walked into a bar chanting "51 days! 51 days!" They ordered a bottle of champagne and sat at a big table.

Later more blondes came in and they joined in chanting "51 days! 51 days!"

The bartender asked: "Why are you chanting 51 days?"

They said, "Well, the ten of us put this puzzle together and the box says 2-4 years, but we managed to do it in 51 days!"


Q:What colour is a burp?
Ans:Burple!!!

Lee Sum Wan: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"

Mr. Sori: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."

Mr. Sori: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent."

Mr. Sori: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital."

Mr. Sori: "Well, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Lee Sum Wan: "You are very rude. Who are you?"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori."

Lee Sum Wan: "You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I don't like your tone of voice, mister, and I don't care. Now give me your name!"

Mr. Sori: "Look, lady, I told you already. I'm Sori! I'm Sori! I'm SORI! You didn't even give me your name!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I told you before, I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan! You better be careful, man. My father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very prestigious position in the family business. He is Noe Buddy."

Mr. Sori (sarcastically): "Oh, I'm so scared. Look, I don't care about your uncle; he's a nobody. Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there."

Mr. Sori: "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts sleeps around, and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez! Now, which one of my employees do you want to talk to?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Wheech Wan is my sister!"

Mr. Sori: "I don't know which one is your sister! How in God's name would I know that?


Q:What do you call a dead bee coming alive again?
Ans:A zombee!

[Mad Snake]

this one is a bit dirty but a good one

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... "A vibrator" - soft, wonderful and larger than a real one!
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bas***,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids.'

[Mad Snake]

haha yer i really like that joke

[ramzz]

Lol...Nice one Mad Snake!
Double Post merged
Irish Maths Test

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asked.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture
that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture
again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of
each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"

[CricketPlayer]

What do you call a witch in a beach?
A SANDWICH!!!

[Mad Snake]

could have been better if you said what do you call a which in a desert,

[CricketPlayer]

Why do graveyards have fences planted around them?
Because people are dying to get in!

[Mad Snake]

why isnt your nose 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot

[CricketPlayer]

why isnt your nose 12 inches long?

because then it would be a foot

That's in my joke book!

[Mad Snake]

haha i didnt think a lame joke like that could make it into a book

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